Things and Memories

I was feeling so low yesterday, that I decided to wear things that would  help me through the day.  Especially for one of them, these things are not just perk me up things.  These are actually significant things for me.

My mantra ring, to help me be cautious with friends (that’s according to my chinese zodiac for the upcoming year of the Rat, and I totally agree)

A pi yao to protect my luck, and the 5 element tower to complete the aid for my “be careful with choosing friends” caveat for the year.

And of course, my dad’s ring on the other ring-finger… to remind me of my strength, and that my parents are still watching over me.

Anything I can do to lift my spirit, I will.

Odd Man

Had fun with my friends last weekend, my weekend that spilled out into early Monday morning.

This is us at our last stop:  Vic’s place.

I looked like I was cut-out off another picture and pasted here.

Believe me when I say that I am the only single guy in this group.

(I really look like a cut out)

Which begs the question: Isn’t it time for me to wander out?  I am asking this question more often these days.  Haaays, that’s the problem of The Formidable, everything to you is temporary.  You are always aware that you are alone at some level.

Maybe I’ll use The Secret to provide me with the answers of which path to take.  Anyway, I feel that the Law of Attraction, you know, The Secret…  is already in action.

Invictus

When you read about William Henley’s life, you’ll find that his honor of drawing these words from the air is well-deserved.  Invictus means “unconquered” in Latin.  His words are those of an unconquerable soul, indeed.

Invictus 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I feel this poem.  Didn’t really understand what it meant when we studied it back in junior year of High School.  But the last two lines do come back to me from time to time.

If you have faced loss, hardships or temptations as I have, you will find that there is no such thing as being pinned against a wall.  The path of strength, of what’s right and what’s true, is always something that you can choose amidst all of these trials.  Hearing yourself choose this path can reinforce this in time when you are literally faced with, say, temptation.  Acknowledging that you have an “indomitable willpower” can, by the Law of Attraction, attract the needed willpower to overcome anything. 

Facing a temptation and saying no to it… is something very familiar to me.  I remember whispering those very words: my will is indomitable.  Words of power.

Faith and Happiness 2

My Ate Joy replied to my comment through email, but I thought I should share it with you guys.  She wrote:

Dear Angelo,

Thank you.  I just felt the need to express my thoughts to you but it seemed I offended you.  I’m sorry.  I gave those comments maybe because of what I partially read from your blogs.  I apologize for misjudging you. 

Based on your reply, I would like to believe that you’re doing fine in all areas of your life (although there may be occasional down moments).   I’m proud of you and admire you for what you’ve become despite the trials.  You may not need an unsolicited advice from someone like me but I can’t help it because I worry about you.  I forgot you’re an adult now.  Blame it to my tendency to think of you as my small brother.   (Just like Masol.)

Anyway, take another unsolicited advice from your ate:  Live a good full life.  Use your gifts and talents well for the greater good of humanity.  You are a miracle and God loves you unconditionally.  But I know you already know that.

Mizpah and take care always.  Watch over Aki.  Looking forward to talking to you soon.

Love,
Ate Joy

Honestly, I think it takes a sensible woman to admit that she overlooked some things.  Don’t worry about us Sis, we’re doing fine over here.

Longing for Serenity

I hope Fate throws me somewhere soon. I need to be some place new, without people I know, in an unknown land. I’ve always known that I am a Wanderer, a windwalker, a free spirit bottled by a disciplined shell. I want circumstance to lift me away from people that I’ve hurt, and the people that inadvertently hurt me, all because of my willingness to be vurnerable.

I struggle to keep my mind quiet, amidst the quagmire of such a chaotic couple of weeks. “Quiet the mind… Quiet the mind…” I chant with a whispering voice. Now, more than ever, I want to attract serenity. The same peace that my once sheltered heart provided for me.

A Pledge to Feel

I hereby pledge to accept the feelings of love and its consequences.  If it’s hurt, so be it.  So shall it be from this time forward.

God knows that I have protected my heart for the longest time.  I have become a mongrel of my original self, because of all the walls that I have built around my heart.  At some point in my life distancing myself from my feelings has been crucial for my survival.

But now the walls are crumbling, and I accept this fact.  Perhaps I am skilled enough now, not in barricading these forces, but rather channelling them for my own well-being.

In Omnibus Suprema Sapientia Est

These words of power always kept me going, even during times that I feel a little lost.  Even times such as these.  We always need to go back and learn from the people who have passed on.  Their wisdom is a powerful beacon of light amidst the darkness.

The Formidables: The Lone Road

For well over a year and a half now, I have been living my life devoid of any physically present friends outside the workplace.  My friends are either abroad or just plainly absent from my life.  Actually for the latter, I can’t even say that they’re still my friends, considering they dropped out despite my recent turmoils.  I mean, I should’ve at least received moral support, right?

(I had to pause before continuing with another paragraph.  I still get a bit discomposed whenever a thought of that recent past flashes before me.)

My friendships have been reduced to these few lines of banter that we get into on IM:

Insert friend’s name here : musta?

Angelo : ok lang, kaw?

Insert friend’s name here : ok naman, musta lawson?

Angelo : ok lang, masaya naman

Insert friend’s name here : good good.

If that friend is in the same city, I often get these extra lines:

Insert friend’s name here : kita tayo minsan, coffee

Angelo : ok

But as always this last statement is a permanent rain check.  I even changed numbers recently and haven’t told anyone about it.  Why bother?

I understand that contrary to the saying that “No man is an Island,” everyone is alone at some level.  I have just become alone in more ways than one.

The Formidables: Balance

I will not be the victim of my own weaknesses

nor will I allow myself to be corrupted by my own strengths…

-Dark Rebirth

From time to time, I’ve always reflected if I was too weak or too proud as a person.  Sometimes I find myself basking in the security of my own strength, that I fail to see that I hurt other people.  Trapped in that shell, I ignore signs of possible friendships.  Other times, I feel that my strength wavers, like the light retreating from the shadows.

 

The Formidables: Backed Up in a Corner

With all the problems that are bombarding my life right now, I can just do so much before I give up on all these.  Now I feel like the people around have shown some hostility towards me.  Deep inside I am mad about this. 

Just because I’m down right now doesn’t mean you can attempt to step on me.  I’ll be on top again before you know it, and you’ll be sorry…

I know my rights.  This is still my home.  I have got to remind these people where their rightful place is.

I am stronger than you think.  I have an unwavering resolve to accomplish anything.  Now, don’t make me use it to make your lives miserable.

The Formidables: The Path of One

After the conclusion of that melodramatic episode in my life, I am once again allowed the opportunity to look inward and reflect.

A shroud of loneliness comes over me as I realize that all the people who I have become close to are moving away. The thing that caught me off-guard is that I am deeply affected by it, and I am somehow kicking myself for it. My rational half is nagging to myself:

Why did you let your guard down?
Why did you make yourself dependent on them?

I truly feel that this is a disservice to myself. I should have protected my heart.

The Formidables: Drifting

I look outside and there I see, two shadows moving away from me…
A tear drops as I see them fade…
Once part of me, now separate…

The wall that divides thicken as one cocoons himself from the hurt of lost friendships. This is necessary for the I, and the heart to survive. In essence, it should be thought of as protecting one’s heart, not hardening it.

Such is the path of survivor, the formidable.

The Formidables: Searching for the Fire Within

It’s strange to come back to this, a feeling of raw independence. I have to get used to relying on myself again… This state of being alone has two faces for me, it makes me feel powerful, yet it is also unnerving, especially in this strange land…

I never realized until now just how long it has been since I felt formidable…

I now remember the downside of this freedom. You have no one to go to for your problems… No one to rely upon completely anymore… No one to watch your back… No one to push you, to be motivated by. You constantly have to find the drive to succeed, the fire within.

I’ve got to find my wind soon. Circumstance is pushing me towards it, I just have to open myself to it now.