Love Poem on Post-its

After putting it off for the longest time, I finally decided to write a love poem for the Valentine Poetry Writing competition here at the firm.  I thought, no use wasting away the cash prize by not joining.

Secret Love’s Call
By Midnight Anxiety

There’s a special place I know
Deep inside this heart of mine
Where I meet my secret someone
That I’ve kept safe for all my life

I have never seen my love
Heard not a voice, nor felt a touch
But I know that she’s out there somewhere
In search of heart’s one true love

Should I accept reality?
That she may never come to me
Or should I keep my search alive
Like a gleaming beacon in the night

My longing heart is her abode
Like a soul within a soul
And the love I feel keeps her alive
While she answers not my call

And I shall keep this love alive…
While she answers not my call.

I quickly reached for some post-its and scribbled those words.  Oh my muse, please grant me brilliance… haaays…

Silent Goodbyes…

 Such are the goodbyes for the mature.  Laiden with innuendos, signs and ultimate secrecy.

The walls may not have ears,
the windows may not have eyes

For friendships to become stale and bonds to be discreetly severed because of errors in judgement – is an act that is not of the foolish.

Secrets may be sealed
and lies may stay as lies

To fall from grace silently is much better than to go down in flames.

But in the hearts of the sinned,
that’s where truth ends and begins
In this place one can’t deny,
is where conscience drives its knife

- Silent Goodbyes by MidnightAnxiety

Solitude without Apologies

Is it really that much a crime to be strong-willed in this world nowadays, that people with such personalities be confined with their own walls of solitude?

I am such a soul,
a victim of my own fire
that burns brighter than most. 
But I embrace it
and curse all else
who do not see its beauty. – Forcera’s Flame by MidnightAnxiety

I know I have been pondering on this for a long time.  The turning on and on the Roundabout seems to be taking an eternity, the doubt brought about by my relentless, masochistic, forgiving heart.

But that’s about to change. 

I know I shine brightest
in solitude,
where not a soul 
makes my fire flicker
in doubt.

Updated 12AM Jan 28, 2008:

Will someone please splash cold water on me to get me back to earth.  I need to be reminded that I have friends who love me, and that it’s all that matters for now.  Someone other than me, because I can’t even convince myself right now. 

Truth According to Francis Bacon

I’ve been reading more on Sir Francis Bacon’s life and works.  In my research, I came upon this quote that really struck a cord in me.  If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know why.

No pleasure is comparable to the standing upon the vantage-ground of truth. – Sir Francis Bacon

I can truly relate.  The truth has always been my refuge.

Backache of Discontent

I’ve been feeling a bit of a backache lately.  But this evening it just worsened.  So I find myself laying here in bed, a slave to my thoughts.

I have to admit to myself that I’ve been restless for a few days now.  I might be feeling discontent over a lot of things in my life.  It’s as if  I have to undergo another major change or something.  It must be the new year, or the fact that I’m always worried that something bad will happen this time of year, as it did the last couple of times.

I must trust that only good things are waiting for me in the future.

Somewhere along the road of my life, I want to be the man in this poem:

The man of life upright, whose guiltless heart is free
From all dishonest deeds and thoughts of vanity:
The man whose silent days in harmless joys are spent,
Whom hopes cannot delude, nor fortune discontent;
That man needs neither towers nor armor for defense,
Nor secret vaults to fly from thunder’s violence:
He only can behold with unaffrighted eyes
The horrors of the deep and terrors of the skies;
Thus scorning all the care that fate or fortune brings,
He makes the heaven his book, his wisdom heavenly things;
Good thoughts his only friends, his wealth a well-spent age,
The earth his sober inn and quiet pilgrimage.

-Guiltless Heart by Sir Francis Bacon

My idea of perfection.

Invictus

When you read about William Henley’s life, you’ll find that his honor of drawing these words from the air is well-deserved.  Invictus means “unconquered” in Latin.  His words are those of an unconquerable soul, indeed.

Invictus 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I feel this poem.  Didn’t really understand what it meant when we studied it back in junior year of High School.  But the last two lines do come back to me from time to time.

If you have faced loss, hardships or temptations as I have, you will find that there is no such thing as being pinned against a wall.  The path of strength, of what’s right and what’s true, is always something that you can choose amidst all of these trials.  Hearing yourself choose this path can reinforce this in time when you are literally faced with, say, temptation.  Acknowledging that you have an “indomitable willpower” can, by the Law of Attraction, attract the needed willpower to overcome anything. 

Facing a temptation and saying no to it… is something very familiar to me.  I remember whispering those very words: my will is indomitable.  Words of power.

Sunrise, Sunset

Catching this sunrise, I’m glad I woke up early the morning of the New Year’s eve. 

I remember this Sunset photo I took in Copenhagen a couple of years ago

When I see these photos, it reminds me of the excerpt from The Fiddler on the Roof song.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

-Sunrise, Sunset from the Fiddler on the Roof OST

I love this song, even if those are the only lines that I know.  I think I remember them from listening to my Dad’s vinyl collection over the years.

I miss my Dad.  At times, I can’t help but feel like his sunset came too soon… way too soon…

Midnight Anxiety: The Inevitable Wall

What if you are faced with this enormous wall, and you know that scaling it will change you forever?

What if you know that not all your friends will be able to go with you to the other side?

That’s the downside to evolution, not everybody gets to move on.

Someone always gets left behind…

Quelling

I am strong. I am pure invincibility.
The heart of the warrior calls my name.
When he calls on strength.

I wear the Nephilim
As I master the forces
That affect the weak of heart

I quell negativity.
I quell hate and Infidelity.
I quell doubt; I quell distrust,

Insecurity and weakness,
I reject them all.
I am too strong to accept them.

I accept only positivity,
Trustworthiness, and hope.
Above all else, I accept love.

-midnight anxiety, 12/20/2007

I called it a wave of change, this inevitable wall I have to scale.  I know that the issue that triggered it has pacified, but it is still coming.

That’s what new years are all about really – changes.

Just A Poem

It’s just a poem, telling you that I love you
It’s just a poem, showing you that I care
It’s just a poem, saying I’m glad that I have you
It’s just a poem, saying that I’m just here

Even though you’re just a friend of mine
The tender love inside will never subside
As you’ve just brought me the sunshine
A sunshine that gave light to my life

I just want to say this to you
It may be plain and simple
Yet these are the words of my heart
Telling you that I’ll never part.

-Excerpt from Just A Poem by Enzo

Lovely poem.  I can relate. (tear)

If I could be like an eagle,
I’d swoop down to steal you,
and take you under my wings…

If my Id was stronger,
I’d act on my desire to be with you,
and quell all the good reasons not to…

If my heart was darker,
I’d destroy friendships
to make you mine forever…

But I am not that man…
I still value friendships…
I still side with what’s right…

I love you,
But I won’t deserve you
if you become mine now…

-If You’d be Mine Now by Midnight Anxiety, Nov 7, 2007

Temporal Anomaly

This song, Katharine Mcphee’s Over It, is a good one.  In one of my conversations with my new friend Chris, I mentioned it.  Chris, ever the honest-to-goodness bloke that he is, told me flat out, “Angelo, hindi mo pa kaya” (Loosely translated in context: “Angelo, you don’t have the heart to sing it yet”).  After getting her album and downloading it into my Ipod, I tried to sing along to the lyrics.

He’s right.  It felt like my future self travelled back in time to tell me how I’m going to feel. 

 

Over It

I’m over your lies,
and I’m over your games.
I’m over you asking me,
when you know I’m not okay.
You call me at night,
and I pick up the phone.
And though you’ve been telling me,
I know you’re not alone.
oh..

That’s why
(your eyes)
I’m over it
(your smile)
I’m over it
(realize)
I’m over it
I’m over it
I’m over..

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain’t no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I’m so over..
Moving on, it’s my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I’m so over.
I’m so over it..

I’m over your hands,
and I’m over your mouth.
Trying to drag me down,
and fill me with self-doubt.
oh..

That’s why,
(your words)
I’m over it
(so sure)
I’m over it
(I’m not your girl)
I’m over it

I’m over it
I’m over…

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain’t no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I’m so over..
Moving on, it’s my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I’m so over.
I’m so over it..

Don’t call,
don’t come by,
ain’t no use,
don’t ask me why,
you’ll never change,
there’ll be no more crying in the rain.

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain’t no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I’m so over..
Moving on, it’s my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I’m so over.
I’m so over it..

I’m so over it….
I’m over it….

Well, I hope he is just a few days into the future.

I’m a Muse

One of my new friends, Enzo, posted this song/poem in his blog.  I was super flattered to find out that he wrote it for me, him being a reader of my blog.

I Must Say GoodBye
By Jose Lorenzo Narisma

Have you ever felt like you’re holding on
To the world that’s now going gone
Clinging on that memory that’s you and me
And hoping once again that we could be

It’s so hard to face it without you
But as I leave everything behind from you
And forget all the pain inside of me
Someday I know I’ll be strong, but

I know it’s gonna have to hurt
But my mind said that I mustn’t cry
But thinking about you makes it so hard to look on the other side
Now I know I have to run
And now move on from all that’s gone
It’ll be hard but I must see
I must say goodbye.

Somehow tomorrow may become brighter
That I might find someone to wipe my sorrow
But to get there I must forget you
And erase all my pain and the sorrow

It’s so hard to face everything without you
But I must leave everything behind
To forget all the pain I feel inside
Now that’s the choice I gotta make, and that’s why

I know it’s gonna have to hurt
And my mind said I mustn’t cry
But putting you behind makes my heart wanna fall and subside
I’ve got to have to find that hum
And move on from all I’ve lost
I know it’s hard but I will see
Now I must say goodbye

Of all the memory that you left behind
I know for certain that those will never be mine
Today I’m holding on, but tomorrow I’ll be strong
To face the world with you all gone

Now I have to face the hurt
And I know now that I mustn’t cry
I must put you all behind for me to be on that other side
Soon I know I gonna be alright
And moved on far from all the past
It may be hard but I shall see
Now I have to say goodbye

Goodbye… Goodbye… Goodbye…

I am still speechless.  Super!!!

Kaya pala ako tinamaan sa lyrics. hehehe

Lament of the Innocent

The Lamb (Songs of Innocence)

Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o’er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?

Little Lamb, I’ll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I’ll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!

The Tyger (Songs of Experience)

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And, when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water’d heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

- Poems by William Blake (1757-1827)

I wrote this once before…

Beware the good but deadly heart
For he can wield the might
that will smite all his oppressors.

Through the years, I have become both the Lamb and the Tiger.  People who know me would attest to how emotional I was.  A few of them would tell you what happened when all that changed.  They would tell you when I became an emotional assassin myself.  My friend Jeff told me that this “talent” of mine stems from my emotional past.  Since I knew of hurt, then I also know where people could be beaten down, he reasoned.

I forgot all of these things when I became more of my rational, intellectual self.  In my recent quest to attract love, I have been foolish enough to regress to that of the meek lamb.  I almost got slaughtered in the process.  

Now, I would like to meld those personas again… the facade of the Lamb, and the heart of the Tiger.

The Thanksgiving Entry

Coming from a stroll at Trinoma, I was dropped off by my favorite couple at our house at around ten last night.  Trinoma being Triangle North of Manila, is way up north and I being a southerner from Paranaque, that it was such a long trip for them to trek.  This couple is just so nice.  As I stepped out of the car and into our compound’s gate, I noticed a white cat sitting on my driveway.  I thought it was my cat Mu, but like so many in my life, he had already passed on some time ago.  His eyes gleamed pink, and so I finally saw the difference.  Mu’s eyes were pink and blue.  I couldn’t find the cat this morning.

I have been asking for a sign if the path I’m taking right now is the right one for me.  I now know that the path of the truth is the most difficult to take, but ultimately it is what’s right.  The path of the truth is the path of  heart, after all.

—

The Gratitudes

Thank you for old friends.
Thank you for the gift of truth
  that I can finally share with them.

Thank you for new friends.
Thank you for that one cathartic moment
  that made one realize faults.

Thank you for the love,
  the hurt, and all the other emotions.
Thank you for the the circumstances
  that plucked me out of my half-life.

Thank you for the signs,
  the realizations, and the moments of clarity.
Thank you for the gift of learning.

Thank you for the priceless experiences.
Thank you for the life
  that is ever so colourful.

-by midnight anxiety, October 7, 2007

Goodbye Song

I love this song by Carrie Underwood, the chorus of Starts with Goodbye goes like this:

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

May point siya dun. (She’s got a point there.)  You have to draw the line somewhere and stand on it, whatever it takes – just what Sidney Poitier said.   This is academy award winner and trail blazer Sidney Poitier with his daughter Sidney Tamiia Poitier.

I just went to Carrie’s official site today and heard her sing these lines:

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you’ve been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

-So Small

When I look at the big picture, whatever I’m going through right now, it’s nothing compared to the last few years of my life. 

Now here comes the mother of all relatable songs from Carrie’s album - I Just Can’t Live a Lie.  Hold up your tissues as you read this.

Oh, I know I could say we’re through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I’d fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

Ouch!  This song is just one big proverbial pinch in the singit.

Warmth

To wake up and find yourself leaning against the sinews of  all your heart’s desires, that’s warmth.

I threw a net unto the sea
But then I caught three
Souls that fates wove to my life’s strands
The meek, the kiss, and the hand 

-midnight anxiety, September 27, 2005

To wake up one day and feel that with unyielding faith, the love that you asked for, and its consequences, have come full circle…  That’s warmth.

I never thought I could find
One soul to surpass the three
I never thought that I could find
A day with so much glee

—

I love this song.  It strengthens my belief that things and circumstances come to you when you ask the universe for it.

Love Called My Name by Jodie Brooke-Wilson

Love called my name
I heard the sweetest melody
I felt a change
Down in the deepest part of me

It’s lifted me up so high
Given wings to fly

I found a secret place where love grows
Since you showed the way
Love called my name…

Love called my name
I heard the voice inside of me
Right through my pain
I saw you there in front of me

A vision of paradise
When I look into your eyes

I found a secret place where love grows
Since you showed the way
Cause I was lost and now my heart knows
The way home again
Love called my name

I understand now that when I asked for love, I found someone to love.  It was not necessary for that love to be reciprocated.  The unrequited lover might be deemed by some as the sufferer, but who are we to judge another man’s suffering?

Hair Raising Song

In a good way it is, with lines such as these

Live In My House
I’ll Be Your Shelter
Just Pay Me Back
With One Thousand Kisses
Be My Lover – I’ll Cover You

The song is I’ll Cover You from the broadway musical Rent.  It simply gives me goosebumps.  This kind of love, I want!!!

The Circle

I shed a tear as I realize
That in every passing day of life
I lose a memory of you in my mind
A smell, a voice, a face
The warm feeling of your embrace
I fear that I may wake up one day
And find that every thought has strayed
But trust that love shall not sever
For ’tis what I’ll hold on to, forever.

These are poetic phrases that I came up with, one sleepless January night.  I revisited the feelings of loss, longing and love for family members who have passed on.  Now with the last three phrases, I complete my humble sonnet.  In turn, I complete the circle.