Silent Goodbyes…

 Such are the goodbyes for the mature.  Laiden with innuendos, signs and ultimate secrecy.

The walls may not have ears,
the windows may not have eyes

For friendships to become stale and bonds to be discreetly severed because of errors in judgement – is an act that is not of the foolish.

Secrets may be sealed
and lies may stay as lies

To fall from grace silently is much better than to go down in flames.

But in the hearts of the sinned,
that’s where truth ends and begins
In this place one can’t deny,
is where conscience drives its knife

- Silent Goodbyes by MidnightAnxiety

Realizations of the Forgettable

As strong as my personality may seem to be, I do feel that I am somewhat a forgettable character.  I am the bestfriend of the lead character in movies, so to speak.

I am fine with that idea.  Who wants to be put under a microscope, anyway.

—

More than ever now, I want to erase myself from the memories of some people.

Maybe it’s just my being technical by nature, but I do believe that there is a reboot button of everyone – for any part of their lives.  Like these past few months, if I had the will to do it, I could disappear from recent acquaintances forever… a flick of a switch, or a switch of a sim card…

When you think about it, disappearing from the face of the earth is ironically easy nowadays.  Our interconnectivity, like lattice, can be shattered with one severed link.  For most of my friends, for example, our only communication is through our mobile phones.  I don’t know where they live and vice-versa.  If they were to lose my number, I doubt if anyone would take the time to check on me.  I doubt if anyone would even notice. 

We may be interconnected but those chains are fragile and superficial.

—

It usually takes me a week of living distant from friends before I start to realize, or remember, that I am self-reliant enough to actually not need them.

—

There is a lot more opportunities for you to find your center when you are alone.  The realization that you are free from other people’s misinterpretations of you then follows.

You will realize that, in that moment of aloneness, you don’t have to pretend anymore, or raise any facade or walls for defense.  You are just you, without any effort to project your individuality to others.

—

When was that last time that you felt like you could just be effortlessly YOU?

Things and Memories

I was feeling so low yesterday, that I decided to wear things that would  help me through the day.  Especially for one of them, these things are not just perk me up things.  These are actually significant things for me.

My mantra ring, to help me be cautious with friends (that’s according to my chinese zodiac for the upcoming year of the Rat, and I totally agree)

A pi yao to protect my luck, and the 5 element tower to complete the aid for my “be careful with choosing friends” caveat for the year.

And of course, my dad’s ring on the other ring-finger… to remind me of my strength, and that my parents are still watching over me.

Anything I can do to lift my spirit, I will.

Solitude without Apologies

Is it really that much a crime to be strong-willed in this world nowadays, that people with such personalities be confined with their own walls of solitude?

I am such a soul,
a victim of my own fire
that burns brighter than most. 
But I embrace it
and curse all else
who do not see its beauty. – Forcera’s Flame by MidnightAnxiety

I know I have been pondering on this for a long time.  The turning on and on the Roundabout seems to be taking an eternity, the doubt brought about by my relentless, masochistic, forgiving heart.

But that’s about to change. 

I know I shine brightest
in solitude,
where not a soul 
makes my fire flicker
in doubt.

Updated 12AM Jan 28, 2008:

Will someone please splash cold water on me to get me back to earth.  I need to be reminded that I have friends who love me, and that it’s all that matters for now.  Someone other than me, because I can’t even convince myself right now. 

Good Friday

Great Friday even, since it spilled over to early Saturday morning

We celebrated some of the guys’ birthdays collectively over lunch.

Good food, great people…

In a few days, our group would’ve spent its first year in the Firm.  I swear, the past year has been such a blur.

Which means that I must be having fun…

We were so full we couldn’t stuff in the cakes (Yes, plural!).  So, the celebration spilled to merienda.

Of course before that, I had to have my picture taken with my two fave girls in the world, Steph and Rubi.

The day didn’t feel like a work day at all.  It felt like one BIG PARTY!

After work (or play), I met with friends at Makati.

Ended up redboxing. (Yes going to Redbox KTV is a verb now, thanks to Carl.  Miss you Carl, like sooper miss )

(What a shirt, Abbu?!)

Ahh friends, eyelav!

Post Script:

Get your butt back here Jimmy, now na.  We miss you so much!

Spidey, Isdatchu?!

What a day today!  There was a face painter at our monthly KEG meeting (Knowledge Exchange Group) at the firm.

To my utter surprise, people still took me seriously when I participated in the discussion today lol.

Well everyone had something put on their faces hehe.  But I still heard, “Nagsalita si Spider-man” (Spider-man spoke!) – said the guy with the Winnie the Pooh on his cheek

All in good fun…

Comfort Food

When you’ve had a bad day, be sure to pick up a Vic Gesmundo on your way home…

You’ll end the night on a good note, promise

We ended dinner with desserts at UCC.  Just look at that towering fruit parfait.  The Apple Crumb Pie and Chocolate Cooler that I ordered was divine as well.

Streamlining

A word of advice to my friends: 

Keep Gelo away from anything that contains his contacts when he’s depressed.  His rolodex, cellphones, organizer… keep it far from his reach.

Oh well, it doesn’t matter… I’m not the center of the universe, anyway.

Move on, nothing to see here.  I’m just ranting.

For the sake of world peace, I need a facial. Haaayz

Metal Monkey

The Chinese new year is coming up.  My friend Rach and I went to buy our gears for the year of the Rat over lunch.  This year will be good for me, but I have to be careful in my friendships (My sentiments, exactly!).  So far, I got the Mantra Ring to help me with that.

I looked into my sign, I’m supposed to be a Metal Monkey, and here’s what I found:

The Monkey is the most versatile sign of the Chinese zodiac. Such people are often inventors, plotters, entertainers and the creative geniuses behind anything ingenious, including mischief. They have natural quick-wittedness which enables them to understand what is happening and then make a right decision. Even during a conversation a person born in this year is aware of what is going on around him/her, and then makes a mental note of who said what and stores it away for future reference. In general, with their agile minds and multiple talents, monkey types can master any subject. They are reliable and honest people so that any secret is safe in their hands. These people are also honest in their dealings and are very good at problem-solving: knowing how to listen closely and work out solutions at the same time.

Although these people are trustworthy and unlikely to hurt someone out of spite, they would never let people escape if they have behaved badly or damaged a monkey’s reputation. Their stamina and determination to achieve their main goals can make these people appear vain or manipulative. People born under this sign should be careful so they do not damage their friendships. It is important to remember for these persons that it would be wiser sometimes not to pursue their goals and simply let things pass.

Monkeys have flexible principles and serene self-confidence so they are completely content; but they usually manage to complicate the lives of others. But with their charm and persuasiveness they can make people believe that just knowing them is a privilege.

Career
When it comes to work, Monkeys can do just about anything. They adapt well to changing environments and they’re very intelligent. They work quickly, but they’ll frequently charge double for their services. Good career fields for Monkeys are accounting and banking. Other good careers for Monkeys include: scientist, engineer, stock market trader, air traffic controller, dealer, film director, jeweler and sales representative.

Relationships
When it comes to relationships, Monkeys aren’t quick to settle down. In fact, they generally are promiscuous; a tendency that probably has to do with the fact that Monkeys are easily bored. Monkeys will end this type of behavior once they pair up with the perfect partner. In fact, more often than not, they’ll commit to that person in every way for life.

Metal Monkey – Years 1920 and 1980
Metal Monkeys are determined and ambitious individuals and as a result, they’re often successful. Although they’re considered warm-hearted and very likeable, their preference in life is to be alone. Metal Monkeys are loyal to both their employers and their partners.

What was written there has a very uncanny resemblence to the real thing (me!).  I’m gonna try to complete all the gear before February 7…  It won’t hurt to be protected.

Ouroboros

Got this from my friend Steph’s status.

We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence then is not an act but a habit. – Aristotle

The second phrase notwithstanding, I reckon that the first one answers some of the questions lingering in my mind.  Admittedly, there are some cycles I fell into that I need to break.  It’s this kind of messages that provide the wind beneath my wings to finally wander out.

If not, I’d be chasing my tail like the Ouroboros… Beautiful but pointless…

Problems and the Grand Scheme

During a conversation with one of my aunts, I told her this lesson I learned.  I felt that it could help her, as she is burdened by problems.

The more you spend time burdened with problems, the less time you spend giving gratitude to the Higher Power for solving them…

Take it from me.  I’ve been through hell and back… thrice.

The Spaghetti Approach

In testing theories, one could use the Spaghetti Approach.   Throwing ideas against the wall to see what sticks – that’s according to the Mystery Woman.

I think in parallel, one must discern that when throwing yourself toward somebody (a.k.a. flirting), if you don’t stick then that’s it, right?  He or she, as they say, is just not into you.

Haaayz… just an idea. 

Truth According to Francis Bacon

I’ve been reading more on Sir Francis Bacon’s life and works.  In my research, I came upon this quote that really struck a cord in me.  If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know why.

No pleasure is comparable to the standing upon the vantage-ground of truth. – Sir Francis Bacon

I can truly relate.  The truth has always been my refuge.

Backache of Discontent

I’ve been feeling a bit of a backache lately.  But this evening it just worsened.  So I find myself laying here in bed, a slave to my thoughts.

I have to admit to myself that I’ve been restless for a few days now.  I might be feeling discontent over a lot of things in my life.  It’s as if  I have to undergo another major change or something.  It must be the new year, or the fact that I’m always worried that something bad will happen this time of year, as it did the last couple of times.

I must trust that only good things are waiting for me in the future.

Somewhere along the road of my life, I want to be the man in this poem:

The man of life upright, whose guiltless heart is free
From all dishonest deeds and thoughts of vanity:
The man whose silent days in harmless joys are spent,
Whom hopes cannot delude, nor fortune discontent;
That man needs neither towers nor armor for defense,
Nor secret vaults to fly from thunder’s violence:
He only can behold with unaffrighted eyes
The horrors of the deep and terrors of the skies;
Thus scorning all the care that fate or fortune brings,
He makes the heaven his book, his wisdom heavenly things;
Good thoughts his only friends, his wealth a well-spent age,
The earth his sober inn and quiet pilgrimage.

-Guiltless Heart by Sir Francis Bacon

My idea of perfection.

Great Woman

The woman carrying me there is someone whom I and Aki affectionately call Mama Cita.  Reminiscent of the Christmas song, I know.

This woman is really fiesty.  She’s always the life of the party in our Davao crowd.  I just love her humor, it’s sarcastic but light.

She celebrated her birthday a couple of days ago.

Happy Birthday Mama Cita.  I hope to see you in a few months time.

Mist and Stone

Today, I learned (from my own and other people’s experiences) that 

• A person cannot control everything
• Rules can be broken
• Laws have exceptions
• Faith can wane
• The will, however strong, will sometimes falter

You can try to stick to the List all you want.  But there are too many variables in this world that from time to time, you just can’t help but throw it out the window sometimes.

Where’s the fun in a numbered existence anyway.  Destinies are not set in stone, right?

The Prince and the Pea

No matter how great a friend may seem to me, it always turns me off when they have a sense of bigotry in them.  I don’t think this is just a peeve since it’s not superficial.  I’m talking about panghahamak here – putting down a race or a group of people.  I’m allergic to that, even if I am not the one oppressed.

Every person who is born into this world should have a rightful place in it, free of oppression and discrimination.  Got that from my Mum and Dad, I guess…  It just makes me uncomfortable… So I guess that’s my pea.

I’m not trying to be self-righteous here, people.  So don’t make welga if there are any inconsistencies in what I say and do.  I am enough of a realist to understand that the World is not Utopia.  But that does not mean that we should stop striving for it.

Update 01/11/2007  11AM:  I had a conversation with Carl last night.  That’s when I remembered that I did fall victim to racial discrimination.  Twice, during my travels – very bad experiences.

Odd Man

Had fun with my friends last weekend, my weekend that spilled out into early Monday morning.

This is us at our last stop:  Vic’s place.

I looked like I was cut-out off another picture and pasted here.

Believe me when I say that I am the only single guy in this group.

(I really look like a cut out)

Which begs the question: Isn’t it time for me to wander out?  I am asking this question more often these days.  Haaays, that’s the problem of The Formidable, everything to you is temporary.  You are always aware that you are alone at some level.

Maybe I’ll use The Secret to provide me with the answers of which path to take.  Anyway, I feel that the Law of Attraction, you know, The Secret…  is already in action.

Invictus

When you read about William Henley’s life, you’ll find that his honor of drawing these words from the air is well-deserved.  Invictus means “unconquered” in Latin.  His words are those of an unconquerable soul, indeed.

Invictus 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I feel this poem.  Didn’t really understand what it meant when we studied it back in junior year of High School.  But the last two lines do come back to me from time to time.

If you have faced loss, hardships or temptations as I have, you will find that there is no such thing as being pinned against a wall.  The path of strength, of what’s right and what’s true, is always something that you can choose amidst all of these trials.  Hearing yourself choose this path can reinforce this in time when you are literally faced with, say, temptation.  Acknowledging that you have an “indomitable willpower” can, by the Law of Attraction, attract the needed willpower to overcome anything. 

Facing a temptation and saying no to it… is something very familiar to me.  I remember whispering those very words: my will is indomitable.  Words of power.

Sunrise, Sunset

Catching this sunrise, I’m glad I woke up early the morning of the New Year’s eve. 

I remember this Sunset photo I took in Copenhagen a couple of years ago

When I see these photos, it reminds me of the excerpt from The Fiddler on the Roof song.

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

-Sunrise, Sunset from the Fiddler on the Roof OST

I love this song, even if those are the only lines that I know.  I think I remember them from listening to my Dad’s vinyl collection over the years.

I miss my Dad.  At times, I can’t help but feel like his sunset came too soon… way too soon…

Sandwich, Anyone?

 

I just got the latest(?) Mandy Moore album.  Just look at the titles…

Mandy Moore the sandwich lady… That’s hot!