Gift of Truth

These last couple of weeks, I have been using this statement, or a permutation thereof, a lot:

What you told me hurts, but that is the truth and I cannot deny that.  The truth is always a good thing.  Thank you.

I have always valued the truth, especially in the past two years since my mother’s passing.  During that time when the power to decide over all of the family’s affairs were turned over to me, I only asked one thing from my family and the people who were involved with us.  That is to tell me the whole truth and let not one fact be hidden from me, so that I may make all my decisions based on them.  That’s when I started to really believe in the power and absoluteness of what is true.

Throughout this time, in all my contemplative moments, I have always asked the universe for clarity… or truth.  Even when I opened my heart to love, I asked for nothing else BUT the truth.  In this quest, the universe has put circumstances in front of me that grants me this wish everytime.  I always find myself at the right place, at the right time.  Today, is no different… 

Today, the truth sliced through me like a cold blade.

I accept this gift, and trust that there is a reason for all of this.

Maybe next time I’ll be wise to ask for happiness… bliss.

Goodbye Song

I love this song by Carrie Underwood, the chorus of Starts with Goodbye goes like this:

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

May point siya dun. (She’s got a point there.)  You have to draw the line somewhere and stand on it, whatever it takes – just what Sidney Poitier said.   This is academy award winner and trail blazer Sidney Poitier with his daughter Sidney Tamiia Poitier.

I just went to Carrie’s official site today and heard her sing these lines:

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you’ve been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

-So Small

When I look at the big picture, whatever I’m going through right now, it’s nothing compared to the last few years of my life. 

Now here comes the mother of all relatable songs from Carrie’s album - I Just Can’t Live a Lie.  Hold up your tissues as you read this.

Oh, I know I could say we’re through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I’d fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

Ouch!  This song is just one big proverbial pinch in the singit.

My Good-Time-Meter

People will not believe this at first, but I am allergic to beer.  Some say it must be the malt in them, since I don’t get the same reaction with wine and such.  I call it my good-time-meter – the limit with which I know I had too much of a good time.  It is a disadvantage, but it did save me from succumbing to a lot of alcohol and the repercussions… Until now.

I went to a drinking session last Wednesday at my new friend Chris’ house and ended up drinking a lot of the strong stuff.  Aside from the imminent physical problems that I was bound to get from that, I also embarassed myself in front of new friends.  I was very disappointed in myself, since it was never like me to act that way.  The scariest part of all this was that I didn’t even remember how I got home.

Now two days after, I am still suffering from reddish spots (not the eeky kind, the blotchy kind) all over.  Yesterday my palms were red and my upper arms had red spots.  Now it’s down to my ankles and feet.  I reckon there will be no traces of it by tomorrow.  Though the physical damage will be gone soon, I know that the embarrassment and the disappointment of that night will still be here nagging in my head.

The Dilemma of an Empath

During one of my conversations with a friend about my unreciprocated feelings, he asked me if I was already OK with the situation.  In a reckless moment, I muttered:

I feel the feelings, but I will not be governed by them.

I hope one day I could say this and not lie.

Warmth

To wake up and find yourself leaning against the sinews of  all your heart’s desires, that’s warmth.

I threw a net unto the sea
But then I caught three
Souls that fates wove to my life’s strands
The meek, the kiss, and the hand 

-midnight anxiety, September 27, 2005

To wake up one day and feel that with unyielding faith, the love that you asked for, and its consequences, have come full circle…  That’s warmth.

I never thought I could find
One soul to surpass the three
I never thought that I could find
A day with so much glee

—

I love this song.  It strengthens my belief that things and circumstances come to you when you ask the universe for it.

Love Called My Name by Jodie Brooke-Wilson

Love called my name
I heard the sweetest melody
I felt a change
Down in the deepest part of me

It’s lifted me up so high
Given wings to fly

I found a secret place where love grows
Since you showed the way
Love called my name…

Love called my name
I heard the voice inside of me
Right through my pain
I saw you there in front of me

A vision of paradise
When I look into your eyes

I found a secret place where love grows
Since you showed the way
Cause I was lost and now my heart knows
The way home again
Love called my name

I understand now that when I asked for love, I found someone to love.  It was not necessary for that love to be reciprocated.  The unrequited lover might be deemed by some as the sufferer, but who are we to judge another man’s suffering?

Sound of Mind’s Silence

Another gift was given to me today as I woke up.  I just realized that after a few weeks, I had regained the ability to silence my mind.  Finally, in the midst of the inner and outer turmoils I have experienced, I can stop for moment and just quell them, as I hone in on a specific thought or purpose.  Even if there is no thought or purpose, I can focus on silence.

Focus.  This is a gift that I have been asking the universe, for weeks on end.  This I regained with my mind’s silence.

I give gratitude to God for this.

Give To Get

That’s the secret to life.

I’ve always been a giving person, I think, at least outwardly.  It must have stemmed from an idea that sprung from my head one contemplative day, that I might not a good person by nature.  So to compensate I consciously do the opposite.

Just this week, I gave my friend Chris a 512MB micro SD (No ‘why aren’t you giving it to me!!!’ hate mails please hahaha…. we’re such nerds!).  Then a few weeks before I gave a bunch of bags to my cousin.  The thought “give to get” was permeating in my mind.  I was hoping for an LV bag actually, or the SPF Jacket I saw last Thursday to come my way, but sometimes, the universe proves that the human mind cannot fathom what’s just beyond the horizon.

I come in to work today, a Saturday, holding a latte on one hand, a crepe on the other, a bag on my shoulder, donning a pair of shades and a dirty look… quintessentially my dont- mess-with-me-I’m-working-on-a-Saturday-without-overtime-pay look.  My manager happily (and bravely) approaches me, and tells me he has good news.  I am completely blown away by the news.  Yes, it’s THAT good.

Wow, all of these came out of a microSD and some bags.  Thank God!

Hair Raising Song

In a good way it is, with lines such as these

Live In My House
I’ll Be Your Shelter
Just Pay Me Back
With One Thousand Kisses
Be My Lover – I’ll Cover You

The song is I’ll Cover You from the broadway musical Rent.  It simply gives me goosebumps.  This kind of love, I want!!!

There’s a fine fine line…

…  between love and a waste of time.

My morning ritual for the past couple of days was to listen to the Avenue Q OST while on the cab.  When I get to this song, usually just after the Nichols Bridge area and into the scenic ride along the military base, I find myself wallowing in the sad melody.  Add the drizzle in the morning, parang MTV. 

What can I do?  I can so relate to the dilemma of the actor singing e.

Question

Tanong, am I but one of the few who can truly reach out, hold out and acknowledge a feeling in its truest form?  That is, without all the bruhahas, complications, and dancing around in political correctedness?  That is, without all the let’s just be friends, and other one-liners plucked out from Viva Films?

If so, how scarce are we?  Are we like the elephants, struggling to survive in a world that wants us extinct?

I’m rambling again.  If you don’t understand it, or worse, if it makes you think I’m crazy then I feel sorry for you.  Read a William Blake, pick up a Chaucer, understand Poe.  Do anything you can to set your mind off to start asking questions.  It is, after all, the unreasonable person who can affect change in this world.

When Nerds Panic

Today at breakfast, I decided to finish off the Coke Light in the fridge.  I poured it into my glass, and it started bubble up so quickly that the bubbles rose to the brim of the glass.  I stopped pouring, raised my hand as if to stop it, and I thought:

Surface tension, surface tension, surface tension!!!

That’s when I realized, ang nerd ko!

To Love, To Forget

This is the last of my heartbreak entries, I promise.  Then I’ll do my best to be my headstrong, fun-loving, sane self again.

I had lunch with my good friend Rach today.  We work in the same company, but have, since June, been assigned to different locations.  We chat everyday, but that’s different.  You lose spontaneity when you chat, and miss lightbulb moments in the process.  I told her everything that transpired over the last few days like it’s my day in court.  She, as always, listened ever so carefully to every moment and feeling that I described.  It’s a feat because, as some of you know, I’m very thorough.

She told me that she had the same experience, and she survived by pulling herself out of the situation.  She stopped spending time with the person she felt affection for, when she found out that, at that time, the feeling could not be reciprocated. 

I took a moment to search within myself, to a place where every feeling is raw and true.  I realized that maybe, like Rach, I too cannot walk that grey line. 

Maybe, just maybe, I love this person so fiercely, that it’s impossible for us to be friends.  Maybe… I need to forget with as much conviction as I have loved…

Blessed Drunkenness

After drinking on a Monday night with one of our foreign mentors, I didn’t really retire immediately.  Believe it or not, I still had the energy and coherence to chat until 3AM with friends.  During the long conversation with some of my new friends with whom I am surely to be fated as drinking buddies, it seemed like a good idea to form a group.  The Group’s requirement for members would be to ingest alcohol, and not be killjoys.  Anyway, it’s going to be fun.

We even came up with a poster.  Such commitment to the joys of partying.   I’m cyclops, and we derived it from an X-MEN poster, if anybody’s wondering.

Thanks to my brother Aki for the help.

Too Damn Literal

Kakainin mo ang mga salita mo.  When you use this phrase in an argument, make sure that it’s not Jessica Zafra on the other end.  That’s because she will say, “sureness!”  and leave you dumbfounded.  Well, maybe not sureness, I’m channeling chuvaness, but you get the idea.  After losing a bet between friends, she’s going to eat paper, on video.  It’s supposed to come out in October.  I can’t wait hahaha.

I use this tactic to win arguments very often, while getting the best surprised looks from people.  When  someone tells me something like, “You’re such a bitch” or “Ang taray“  I say “Ah talaga..” or “Oh yes I am!”

But they know that it’s all in good fun… maybe…

The Move!… Back!

After staying in Goodland, Buendia (a.k.a. Badlands), we finally moved back to the Net2 Building.  No more rickety walls, noisy neighbors and an elevator reminiscent of the movie Shake, Rattle and Roll 1: Refrigerator.  As you may have known from my previous posts, I volunteered to coordinate the move.  I went to Net2 at 8:30AM on a Saturday (Insert jawdrop here), and immediately saw my nook on the 10th floor.  More space!

After a couple of hours of tallying the boxes that came in, we went to Pier One for lunch.  I ordered a soda but ended up with a bottle of beer which I gladly didn’t complain to anyone about.  When we came back to work, I learned that tally and tipsy rhyme, but thats the only positive thing that I can say about these words when put together.

We eventually survived the moving process.  After about a couple of hours, I finally claimed my space at Global City.

I didn’t bring my laptop so I decided to stay and chat with some of my friends.   I wanted to confer with them because I found the root of my despair, beyond the heartbreak.  My self-esteem issues developed because I felt ugly – definitely the byproduct of the rejection.

But I don’t have that problem now.   Thank God!

Rules of Disengagement

Coming out of this heartbreak (Yes, I’m on my way out.  Thank you.).  I learned new things about the facts of love and of myself.  Specifically, how much my heart can take.  For the sake of process improvement, and because I’m O.C. like crazy, I formulated my rules of disengagement:

• To the heartbreaker:  If you stomp on somebody’s heart, you should have enough sense to give the guy space.  A little empathy is in order here.  Ask yourself, is he ready to talk to you?
• To the brokenhearted:  As far as you can see now, it will never be O.K. that he/she is not with you.  But I promise you, it will get better… and one day, it will be O.K.
• Read the signs.  I believe that our instinct is God’s voice.  When I told AJ about this episode in my life, he suggested that I get the book The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton.  He had yet to see my post for that day (Consolation by Couture).  THAT, my friends, was a sign.  I acted on it immediately, or else God would’ve come down heaven’s golden stairs to give me the memo himself. 

Following the sign, I went to A Different Bookstore and bought the book today.

Another thing I attracted.  A week or so ago, my friend Rach asked me to get her a bag similar to my Gitara bag.  I wished to find something better, and found it sitting right next to the bookstore.

Muslin knockoffs of the Anya Bag!  They copied the design detail accurately, I must say.

Consolation by Couture

Lousy night last night.  What can I say?  Rejection simply sucks.  I decided to sleep with a broken heart, hoping that the night’s rest would heal it.  The plan didn’t work. 

Mei, my New Yorker friend, popped me online as I was preparing for work. 

 

She told me that she broke up with her long time boyfriend.  Great. Misery loves company.  I told her about my very fresh wounds.  She asked if my working too hard killed my love life, again.  I said “no, I just fell too hard.”  I fell too hard.  I have this thing about written words.  It doesn’t matter how much I think of it.  It means more to me when I see it on paper (or on screen, you get the idea). 

I went about working today with glassy eyes.  Next to uncertainty, the feeling I hate most is self-pity.  I hate that it has a lingering effect on me.  Even the clothes I wore today were very dark.  Outside at lunch, I have my very dark black framed shades, the ones that I almost never wear.  I looked like a second-guessing version of myself.

After lunch, I sat myself on my desk and decided to put on the jacket I kept in the cold office.  Then off I went to the washroom to do my business.  Looking at my reflection in the mirror, the more assured self crept in, and I thought to myself:  “Ano ba?!  Look at what your wearing!”

Moral of the story:  Self-pity is a luxury for people in rags, and not for Armani wearing twats.

Programmers’ Day

Netscape Gadgets and Tech announced the following today:

Today is Programmers’ Day.  Today is the 256th day of the year, otherwise known a Programmer’s Day. Have you hugged a programmer today?

This whimsical “holiday” is set on September 13, the 256th day of the year, since there are 256 possible values for 8 bits, which forms a byte.  To all nerds out there, happy Programmers’ Day.

I think this is the best post to include my many thanks to the people who have read and relayed their appreciation of my work.  The site has been running for two and a half years now.  To most of the first readers of this blog, thanks for telling me that it’s as if I am still with you when you read this blog.  Most of them are abroad now.  It is true, it’s still like me talking.  I have been nothing but honest in my entries.  Believe me, since I lay out my thoughts, heart and soul into every entry, new readers also find the authenticity in them.  They often feel like they know me a lot, even if we are strangers to begin with.

Thank you very much.

—

Erratum:  The day is supposed to be the 13th, not the 12th. 

Longing for Serenity

I hope Fate throws me somewhere soon. I need to be some place new, without people I know, in an unknown land. I’ve always known that I am a Wanderer, a windwalker, a free spirit bottled by a disciplined shell. I want circumstance to lift me away from people that I’ve hurt, and the people that inadvertently hurt me, all because of my willingness to be vurnerable.

I struggle to keep my mind quiet, amidst the quagmire of such a chaotic couple of weeks. “Quiet the mind… Quiet the mind…” I chant with a whispering voice. Now, more than ever, I want to attract serenity. The same peace that my once sheltered heart provided for me.

Work Ethic 101

We received an open letter from one of the managers today asking for volunteers on Saturday.  We’re moving back to The Fort (Yipee! ).  What struck me most was this part of the letter:

We’ve already convened the managers this morning to discuss it. Unfortunately, most of them believe that no one will volunteer for Saturday. They’re saying that the current mentality is “what is in it for me?”, or “do I get paid for it?”.

Pwede ba?!  If at the late stage of these people’s careers and they haven’t developed sound work ethics, then the Firm hired the wrong people.  I gladly replied to this message.  I said:

I can squeeze in a saturday for that. BTW, I honestly don’t believe that it’s the general mentality.  Maybe the managers need to spend more time with their people if they assume such.

Take that, audacious management!

The Moth to the Flame

Today I found myself looking for pictures relating to moths to the flame, and chanced upon this article entitled The Moth and the Flame by Randy Hurlburt.  It is coincidentally relating to me, even literally at some points.  For the few people who know the things I’ve been going through as of late, it will be hilarious to them.  Just goes to show what my heart is screaming, amidst all the chaos in my head.  I can build walls in my mind to stop thinking about the person, but by the Law of Attraction, there it is in the article.

Finally I found this pic by xzebulonx on heelpress.  Having the human element here is very applicable to me.

 

I was looking for pictures of such because I felt like one.  I went too close to the flame and got burned.  The flames are still licking my heart.

Just Throw the Ball and Let it be

Today, I said to a friend: “You know what man, wag mo na problemahin yun (don’t worry about it).  Whatever it is you want to happen, I’m sure that you’ve already done your part in the process.  Just let the universe take its course.  Relax.  I’m sure that half of the things you worry about isn’t even in your control.”

In baseball, a pitcher is in his zone when he is only focused on his task: to throw the ball.  The position of his body, the swinging of his arm, his grip on the ball…  Everything else is just distraction.  Once the ball leaves his hands, it’s not up to him anymore.  He just makes sure that he threw it right.

Baby Steps

The next time you have to thread the MRT’s flights of stairs, try this:  concentrate on each step, making sure your whole foot is on the concrete, until you get to the top.  When I do this, I get to the top without panting.  There must be a physics way of explaining this, but I can only tell you my psychology behind it.  By taking the struggle one step at a time, the seemingly tiring task of running up and down stairs become simpler.

In life,  I think we can get just as much mileage if we concentrate on the small goals, than when we concentrate on the bigger goals.  We also eliminate the risk of getting overwhelmed by the greater purpose.  I think we are not designed to fathom that, for thinking that we can solve the evils of the world as an individual is arrogance in itself.

The Gifts

When I decided to let the universe flow through me, and accept the gifts of acceptance, friendship, love and all its consequences, I never thought that it would come to me in droves.

With the friendships that I have formed, I know that they are still but diamonds in the rough, but I am happy to see the new piles just the same. 

With the falling in love (or like) and getting hurt, I thank God for the experience and the rollercoaster ride.  It doesn’t come very often so I relish the feelings.

I thank God for giving me a more accepting heart.  I need it to bounce back from every jolt that the universe sends on my way.

Finally, I thank God for giving me the skill and ability to quiet my mind, when I need to.  Even the strongest of hearts need a break sometimes.

Cathartic Song

I am finding myself listening to Carrie Underwood’s album more and more.  The song that hits me most is Don’t Forget to Remember Me, mainly because it reminds me of my Mum.  When I listen to it, I feel myself choke up, as if I am about to cry.  Happens ALL the time. 

Here are the lyrics:

“Don’t Forget To Remember Me”

18 years have come and gone
For momma they flew by
But for me they drug on and on
We were loading up that Chevy
Both tryin’ not to cry
Momma kept on talking
Putting off good-bye
Then she took my hand and said
‘Baby don’t forget

Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
There’s a 50 in the ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here’s a map and here’s a Bible
If you ever lose your way

Just one more thing before you leave
Don’t forget to remember me’

This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home
And those bills there on the counter
Keep telling me I’m on my own
And just like every Sunday I called momma up last night
And even when it’s not, I tell her everything’s alright
Before we hung up I said
‘Hey momma, don’t forget to tell my baby sister I’ll see her in the fall
And tell mee-ma that I miss her
Yeah, I should give her a call
And make sure you tell Daddy that I’m still his little girl
Yeah, I still feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be
Don’t forget to remember me’

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven’t done this in a while
So I don’t know what to say but
‘Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big ol’ place
Yeah, I know there are more important things,
But don’t forget to remember me
But don’t forget to remember me’

Buy the album, the original ha.  Not one song wasted.

Hole in One

If there was ever a time that I could say that the Secret worked for me, this is it.

As I prepared for work today, I looked into my closet and decided that I didn’t want to wear my darker clothes.  My friend Rachel commented that I should wear brighter colors, since I’m (supposed to be) happier now.  I found a Jagthug shirt that I bought months ago but didn’t get to wear.  For one, they’re Jagthug, so NOT me.  I mean, I didn’t even know there was such a brand until I bought it.  Anyway,  I am so impartial to wearing white, since I always worry that I would stain them.  Still having that worry in mind, I put that shirt on.  I just took note that I should be more careful.  With my shades in tow, I went out of the hollowed halls to the outside world that is Manila.

Where’s the Law of Attraction in this anecdote, you might say?  Here it is.  As I stepped out of our gated compound, I felt something fall from the heavens.  Well, just about 20 feet above me, a maya decided that the best place to bomb her poop was on my all-new shirt. 

A hole-in-one  for The Secret Team! :p

Buon Compleanno!

A couple of years ago, I passed by Milan.  I only spent a day or less there, before I flew out.  This is me in the cold, behind me is the Duomo.

It’s freezing but I needed to take the picture.  You’ll never know, I might never pass this way again.  I’m sorry but the Duomo was ghastly then, there was a lot of construction going on.

Anyway, a month later, I found out that my friend and once student Jay Jay settled in Milan that year.  Sayang!  I didn’t know!  This is him making me envious, this being his third or fourth time in Venice.  I only went there once, but I fell in love with the place.

After we reconnected, we used to talk for hours, not minding the long distance rates (I was in Denmark then).  During my gloomy days in Copenhagen, I would fall asleep to our YM chat sessions.  Truly, he was one of the people who formed my support system then.  Anyway, today is his birthday.  Jay Jay, Buon Compleanno!  Happy Birthday!

—-

Update Sept 8:

I got a message from jay jay thanking me for the post.  You’re welcome.  Miss you my friend!

A Pledge to Feel

I hereby pledge to accept the feelings of love and its consequences.  If it’s hurt, so be it.  So shall it be from this time forward.

God knows that I have protected my heart for the longest time.  I have become a mongrel of my original self, because of all the walls that I have built around my heart.  At some point in my life distancing myself from my feelings has been crucial for my survival.

But now the walls are crumbling, and I accept this fact.  Perhaps I am skilled enough now, not in barricading these forces, but rather channelling them for my own well-being.

Alchemy of the Heart 2: Losing Focus

Remembering my last post about this, I know that I have the skill to convert this feeling of sadness into something productive.  It’s just that whenever I am beset by it, it looms on me so fast that I am usually unprepared for its proverbial punch on my face.  It takes my heart a good while before I can pick myself up and move on.  Every fiber of my being has all the intentions to do it, but my heart has always been a slow learner.

Until I get to crawl my way out of this emotional goo, people will just have to put up with the uninspired and dispassionate Angelo.

Office Prank

We all received this pic in the office today.

In the spirit of fun, someone edited this pic from Last week’s monthly meeting held at KFC.  I’d die of embarassment if this happened to me.