Leadership In High Regard, Too Bad

How would you feel if you received a message like this from your manager: Nevermind. I’ll follow it up myself.  This reply after you asked him who to follow up to, since you’re new to the company.  Not even a salutation or a complimentary closing.  Just that one-liner.

I can’t help but sense hostility over this, notwithstanding the bad first impression I got from him.  To think that I made great strides to see him in a new light.  I was making good progress at it, until today.  Lets just say I relapsed.

There’s an eeky feeling that lingers whenever something like this happens to me.  I put leadership in such a high pedestal, because I think that managers should be people I would like to emulate in the future.  It’s what makes me stay in an organization, more than anything else, its what makes an organization a haven for me to thrive.  Now that I took this blunt, Lawson is starting to slip into the temporary list. 

Employees do not leave companies.  Employees leave their bosses.

I may sound fickle.  I just know that I shouldn’t waste time being somewhere I don’t want to be.  Of all people, I should know: Life is short, way too short.

Mother Mayhem

I don’t know why I ever made myself sensitive to the “signs” on these days leading to my birthday.  If this would be legitimate precognition, then that would mean that I’ll be a lovesick, neurotic, jinxed puppy on my 27th year on earth.  I hope not.

On the way to work, the cab I was riding bumped into a Crosswind on one of the dodgier spots of the Metro.  There was quite a bit of chaos building, but all I could think of was “Oh my God, not again!”  Not that I regularly witness accidents on a weekly basis, but my overall desire to have uneventful days has not been satisfied as of yet.

I find that Fate gives me strawberry milkshakes when I yearn for that ever reliable vanilla.  But maybe thats what a normal life to me is… elusive.  Or maybe this is the closest semblance to a normal life that I will get to experience.

As cryptic as these ramblings may sound to the majority of my readers, to the people who know me, my history and my lineage, you may understand this.  Is a pursuit for a normal life even valid?  Is it even correct to strive for it in the face of my lineage?  Or should I  assume that there is an underlying duty that I have to accomplish?

Maybe I should continue on this course for the time being.  I just have to be mindful that at some point I will need to find that greater purpose.

Petrificus Totalus!

There has been but a number of times that I felt frozen.  But generally I can think on my feet.  Heck, even when a thief tried to grab my wallet some years ago, I had enough sense to do what I thought was best at that time. 

But today, I am caught dumbfounded by a wave of excitement, attraction and uncertainty.  It is quite a jolt that I am left petrified by the experience.  For someone to cause this feeling is such a rarity for me.

In the midst of the monotonous cycle of life, these kinds of moments make you feel alive in a good way.

It’s the second day of my birthday-week, I wish it gets even better in the days to come. =)

Monday Odyssey

My trek to the office today was such an ordeal.  The Paranaque public transportation system was paralyzed due to a jeepney strike.  So everyone had to be creative in finding their way out of town.  You can just imagine that having a gazillion people being creative would result in anarchy on the streets.

So it took me a total of 6 rides (a jeepney, 3 trykes, a shuttle, and a cab), and through 4 towns (Paranaque, Bicutan, Makati, Taguig) just to get to the office today.  Thank the Goddess I decided to be perky and got up early to go to work.

Surprisingly enough, I was not at all in a bad mood throughout my journey.  I just marched my way from one challenge to another, with my new Jansport bag and Mossimo shades in tow.  It was just one long runway today.

It’s the first day of my birthday-week, maybe fate is trying to teach me something.

Core Energy, Thank God

Back when I was a senior in high school, we were sent on this three-day seminar called the Core Energy Module. 

The instructor, Brother Obet of the Salesians, taught us the basic techniques in meditating to empower oneself.  In the course we were also taught that negativity can be released through catharsis, for one’s well-being.  This is very opposite from the “western” teachings that is prevalent in Philippine culture, which is to keep one’s feelings inside, and that crying is seen as a sign of weakness.

I cannot remember just how many times these techniques have helped me in my daily life.  The meditation has been a lifesaver countless times in controlling my anger, keeping my nerves and dampening my fears.  The teachings have been second nature to me all these years that I am just thankful that I have these tools to work with.

Today is no different.  At lunchtime I suddenly didn’t feel well as we sat down at the resto.  As a reflex, I started to do a bit of a meditation.  I did not even have to close my eyes (You learn to do that to not get noticed), it was as if I was looking into nothingness.  After a few moments the pain became manageable, and then faded.

I am going to try to track down the Salesian Brother who taught me, many years ago.  I should thank him.

Riding Low

Everybody’s been catching something lately.  Of course I am not exempted from getting the flu, or a variation thereof.  The lot of the people who’ve seen me today told me to go home or go to the clinic and rest.

Sometimes the physical is but a reflection of one’s spirit. 

For me this holds true. 

Manic Wednesday

It was one of those mornings again when I would wake up in tears and sobs.  I dreamt about my mum this time, I saw her and I hugged her.  When I woke up an overwhelming feeling of sadness flowed out of me, that for a good quarter of an hour I was curled up in bed crying.  The sun has not even risen up then… I thought it was not the best way to start the day.  Well, it couldn’t be helped.

I went to work with a smile on my face.  A facade of a good mood was all I could do then.  All the while I felt like I was outside myself, that I was not in complete control of my feelings.  Both the good and bad emotions, was barely in my grasp.

By lunchtime nothing eventful had happened, just some laughter and smiles here and there.  I thought I was home-free.  But as soon as something bad came up, it all crumbled, and I know that I could have handled the situation better.  It was not a big deal really, but I know that I was giving off bad vibes.  The happy facade that I had been keeping that day had faded, like a sandcastle against the waves.

I may be on the right direction, but certainly there is still a long road ahead.  I am still broken…

En Route to Happiness… Alone

I got reconnected with this long lost friend of mine recently.  We have been corresponding through phone calls and e-mails for some weeks now.  Last night was one of those nights when we would spend a good hour or so talking about things in our lives.

Our topic came to friends who we were still hanging out with.  I explained to him my present situation, that I was not spending time with anybody right now.

It might be a bit of a surprise to everyone, but yes, the times that I saw my friends recently are rare to none.  I have not gone to a movie, or gone shopping, accompanied by any friend for the the last six months. 

Well, I’ve been going on dates, but that’s different.

Do I feel lonely?  No, not really.  I think I have just finally learned to not sell myself short.  I think living through and surviving the recent turmoils in my life, without a friend to turn to, has in the end been good for me.  I guess I just realized that if I can survive what I survived alone, then I am enough to make myself happy.

The Ride, the Touch and Taboo Encounters

On my way home, I got to talk to a friend.  After that short phone call, he texted me that he’s glad I am happier now.  I don’t think I am, really.  I think it’s the sense of fulfillment I feel, and security that he somehow heard in my voice.  It’s just unbelievable how crazy the past 4 months have been…

What’s more unbelievable is that I am still in one piece…

—

It’s so surprising how a single touch can connect two people.  The touch… skin against skin… the eye contact… the first impressions… and the possibility of something good… and lasting… 

It has really been an encounter that’s not a norm in this country…

Here’s to hoping for the best that life can bring!