The Formidables: Backed Up in a Corner

With all the problems that are bombarding my life right now, I can just do so much before I give up on all these.  Now I feel like the people around have shown some hostility towards me.  Deep inside I am mad about this. 

Just because I’m down right now doesn’t mean you can attempt to step on me.  I’ll be on top again before you know it, and you’ll be sorry…

I know my rights.  This is still my home.  I have got to remind these people where their rightful place is.

I am stronger than you think.  I have an unwavering resolve to accomplish anything.  Now, don’t make me use it to make your lives miserable.

Just When You’re Down and Out

Oh Goddess! When will this end! 

Sometimes people you love cause you so much pain that you just want to sever your ties from them.  At this point I really question my connection with these people, who are not my brothers or sister, but my family treated as such.  They are my reason for this low point.  Given the fact that I am still mourning my sister’s death a month ago, this is clearly an insult to injury.

I need a cathartic moment, and a good friend’s support.  Both of which I do not have.

Midnight Anxiety: Loneliness

I woke up today, beset by loneliness.  I just realized how much I miss the people I’ve lost, especially my Mum and Dad.  I also realized that in a span of a few years, I buried a father, a mother and a sister.  I can never be truly happy now because I can never share my achievements and any more moments with them.  It will never be OK that they’re gone.

I shed a tear as I realize

That in every passing day of your absence

I lose a memory of you in my mind

A smell, a voice, a face

The sweet feeling of your warm embrace

I feel that I may wake up one day

And lose you forever…

I know that one day that will happen.  I mourn for that inescapable future.

Big Brother Complex

I don’t know if this makes me a bad person.  But I have an inner desire to evict people from my house right now.  It started a couple of days ago when the kitchen was flooded because somebody left the water running.  That afternoon I had a yelling session with the one responsible for it, telling her to show more concern for my home.  She kept on insisting that she is concerned.  Then until now she is still very standoff-ish about it, and it just infuriates me.

I’m thinking, “why do I have to deal with her”?  It is my house, isn’t it?

While I’m on a roll here, I wonder, “why do I have to live with people who don’t belong to this house, or this family”?  Really, why am I stuck with them?

The Truth That Brings Me Peace

It is two in the morning, and a realization just hit me.  It is brought about by the truth that was told to me by a friend.  The truth about what happened months ago:  my trip to Denmark that did not go through.

Management made it seem like the decision to not go was mine.  I now know that it was predetermined.  There was somebody else they wanted for the job.  Their act of manipulation to make it seem like I made the decision is just underhanded, and cowardice on their part.  Well, what more can you expect from maggots like them, right?

The truth could have saved me from some pain and guilt.  The guilt for pushing through with going to Davao, that had indirectly caused my sister the illness that had taken her life.  The thought that by having so much resolve in that promise, of choosing to go to Davao over the Denmark assignment, I had a hand in her fate.  The thought that I, indirectly, was at fault in giving my family such pain.  I wouldn’t have dealt with so much guilt for the plethora of bad events in the next months that had come.

All I can do now is be grateful for the clarity that this truth has afforded me. 

The sun will shine brighter today.