Management informed me that I will not be going to Denmark.
This came after months of waiting, of my career floating like driftwood. Initially I felt cheated. I did not stay in the Firm after February for this to happen to me. I didn’t continue my resignation with the knowledge that they were going to take care of my career.
It was foolish for me to trust that management had all the best intentions. Now I know that it is in my hands to make the change for the better.
The best time is now.
My manager talked to me when I came back to work last Wednesday. She informed me that my trip will again be moved. I would have to fly on October 1 and stay there for about 2 months. But I said that I had to be back early November, since it will be a year since my mother’s death then. I will not stand being away from my family at such a time. I just can’t.
I am at a standstill right now. I still have not coped with the sudden shift of my company’s plans for me. But I have put myself on an offensive position. Perhaps it is because I am still very much angered by the traumatic experience that I was put through by management’s decisions. But in all fairness, I was given the chance to say no. An inability to do so has put me in such a regrettable place.
The last few months have taught me to be cautious in making these decisions. This lesson was very useful to me when the management met with me to talk about the shift in plans. I think they were taken aback when I gave them my issues about this.
The decision I will make next will be crucial to my life. I have to be careful and be mindful of what my instincts are truly telling me. I do believe that our instinct is the voice of God telling us the best thing to do, if we only listen to it.
That is what I am feeling right now. A profound sense of it with the fact that a few days ago I was so ready to throw in the towel so to speak. In my head, it was not going to be pretty.
Ugh! I feel such a backlash at the realization that I do not love what I do, that I am nauseous. In my head, I keep kicking myself for foolishly mistaking self-fulfillment for calling. I can’t believe that I ended up doing what I was very good at, and not what I actually wanted to do.
I suppose there is no other way but to do a U-ey.
It has been a couple of days since my anxiety attack started. I felt like a crazy person the past few days. My brother and sister noticed that too. They watched me walking nervously back and forth for like a thousand times. They noticed that I hardly even touched my laptop, that I hardly even kept my phone in sight. They said that it was almost as if I was avoiding physical contact of those things.
But today is different. I noticed the difference in myself when I woke up. So did the people around me. The turmoil within has subsided. I thank God for catching my fall.
But I will leave the battlefield, very much broken. I also leave it with the realization that to be truly happy, I will have to make changes in my life.
