New Imports

There’s new imports for the Midnight Mirror – about seven months worth of blog entries from www.midnightanxiety.com.  Do check out the other site which I update almost every day.

Renovation

If you are using the wordpress site of my blog, please click this root link: www.midnightanxiety.com

I’ve moved the blog into a private wordpress server.

Keep Reading!

Through the Glass

While doing Friday night shopping with a friend, I chanced upon an old flame of mine.  Seeing the person go inside one of the stores in Glorietta, without sight after almost three years, I was quite petrified.  I was glaring at the store’s window as I passed, straining to see that old love.

We were at the foodcourt with my friend when under my breath I muttered, Balance.  Perhaps all the bad things the Universe had hurled my way over the passed few days gave way to this one great thing.  I had no other choice but to hurry back to that store, only to find that the chance had gone.  Nevertheless, it gives me hope that there are good things on my road ahead.

The Dream Is Still Alive by Wilson Phillips

Not so long ago we were so in phase
You and I could never forget the days
But then the fire seemed to flicker
Cold wind came and it carried us away
But we’ll get back someday, baby

The dream is still alive
Look here in my eyes
Can you see what I’m feeling?
The dream is still alive
The one of you and I
And my heartache is healing
I couldn’t let it die
No I knew it would survive
The dream is still alive

Not so long ago in a purple haze
People dreamed out loud they were not afraid
They stopped the war but not the dying
Some got a little bit lost along the way
But somehow we’re here today (And we say..)

The dream is still alive
After all this time
The flame keeps on burning
The dream is still alive
The one of you and I
And my heart keeps returning
I couldn’t let it die
No I knew it would survive
The dream is, the dream is still alive

Still, there’s a certain regret that I let the chance pass me by.  Maybe it’s not yet the right time.

Toothache

There are just times when you have a run of bad luck for weeks (plural!) on end.

I guess the Universe couldn’t find anything more to throw at me, so it sent me a major toothache on my way.  Haays…  I started to suffer from it since yesterday afternoon.  So I surrendered to the pain and decided to go home.  Taking an Advil in the office and then a Ponstan when I got home, I felt a bit weak.  It must have been an overdose.  I slept from 5pm to 3am the next day.  Drank a glass of milk (I know, very 80’s) and dozed off again.

I’m here at the office now, hoping that a barrage of pain relievers will help me through the day, at least until my dentist appointment.

Please send your energies to your friendly-neighborhood ranter.  I need all the good energy I can get.

The New Rwanda

Got this off MSNBC News blog:

Could these be new laws in tiny Singapore? Plastic bags in the entire country are illegal, as part of the fight to save the environment. Use leads to a fine equal to 10 U.S. dollars. Same fine for smoking or spitting in public. Civil guards in red uniforms carry rifles to enforce the laws.

- Rwanda’s Long Road Back by Martin Fletcher

I think some parts of this law should be imposed here as well.  The environment needs help, and the people need to be urbanized.

Pang-Ad, Donchatink?!

Nice no?!

This is our last pic from Saturday – “Love’s in the Air” Night.  Taken in front of Padi’s Point at MOA.

Hollow

There are days when you feel like there’s a fistful of bad feelings that’s pressing itself against your gut.  I’ve been feeling like that all morning.

Right now, one thing’s for sure:  there’s nothing else I want better to do but quit my job, and drop some friends.  Just to relieve the pressure I’m under, most of which comes from my own dislike to waste time.  I dislike that I’ve been thoroughly left displaced and dispassionate about my job.  I hate that some friends are jerks, and that they repel other budding friendships.

I think I need that one cathartic moment that I’ve been asking the Universe for very badly… and soon…

La Buzz

I tagged along with my favorite friends, Jim and Vic to the Sunday gossip show The Buzz.  Well we were basically there for Vic, that was the plan.  I’m so out of the showbiz thing, I’m practically just there for fun and of course for blog content.

We first saw the Gretchen interview, with her mistle toe shoes.

Yeah guys, that wasn’t live, that was taped 30 mins before the actual show.

Then Kristine Hermosa came, she’s beautiful.

I learned that if you do a drive shot on your camera long enough, you get something interesting like this.

Ruffa is beautiful btw.

and Christine Reyes, too.

Anyway, after that fun ride we met the other guys at Trinoma.

Fun day, but not without issues…

But that is for another cryptic-filled entry in the days to come.

Orange Friday

I think my laptop is suffering a flu, a virus that’s just annoying… haaays I’m trying to fix the files manually this evening, so goodluck to me…

Anyway, I had a great Orange Friday

Had lunch with Steph, Rubi and Jeff at Secret Recipe.

And in the evening, dinner with Jimmy and Vic, plus Jim Nev at Serendra

Fun, fun, fun…

Vic asked me, “Isn’t that your new shirt?”

I said, “No, this is my lucky shirt, because I always get lucky when I wear it…” lol

Barrier

Blame this on my upbringing, that in times of emotional stress I usually become agreeable and diplomatic.  My mother is my number one role model for this.  She says yes to everything, even if she doesn’t mean it, in the name good ties.  Just a couple of days ago, I received a call from my aunt saying that a family is claiming the hand of my brother (yes, true story), saying that my mother agreed to have him wed their youngest daughter.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the year 2008, right?

Having that matter to straighten out as my responsibility aside, today has been a stressful week for me.  Like good old solid stress in the bottle.  You can almost feel that I have a veil in between me and my true distress.

I’m just trying to get by, in the name of good ties.

The Phantom Zone

If you’ve read this blog for some time now, you know that my emotions are directly connected to my skills and abilities.  I’ve already accepted it… that’s just the way it is with me.  Much like how most superheroes’ powers work, you know?

We’ve already established that.  What worries me is that, for sometime now, I feel like I’ve been running around almost powerless.  I think I’m still stuck in my dispassionate rut – my very own phantom zone.

It is starting to scare me…

Bag, My Valentine, Come to Papa!

I received the Store Specialist, Inc. GCs a couple of days ago.  Got them for free btw, all 4000Php of them!  Good karma to the max!

So this evening I went to JackSpade (where else?!) to spend my not-so-hard-earned gift certificates.  The Jack Spade Vertical Messenger bag, the orange one, had about a 20US$ discount.

I know, it’s orange.  But I’m paying less than 500Php (I didn’t use all the GCs), and it’s summer, so why not?

When practically free things fall into my lap, I just love it!  What can I say… when the universe can’t provide you with a Valentine, it surely knows how to compensate lol

Love Poem on Post-its

After putting it off for the longest time, I finally decided to write a love poem for the Valentine Poetry Writing competition here at the firm.  I thought, no use wasting away the cash prize by not joining.

Secret Love’s Call
By Midnight Anxiety

There’s a special place I know
Deep inside this heart of mine
Where I meet my secret someone
That I’ve kept safe for all my life

I have never seen my love
Heard not a voice, nor felt a touch
But I know that she’s out there somewhere
In search of heart’s one true love

Should I accept reality?
That she may never come to me
Or should I keep my search alive
Like a gleaming beacon in the night

My longing heart is her abode
Like a soul within a soul
And the love I feel keeps her alive
While she answers not my call

And I shall keep this love alive…
While she answers not my call.

I quickly reached for some post-its and scribbled those words.  Oh my muse, please grant me brilliance… haaays…

The Most Self-explanatory Hero Name Goes to…

PYROKINETIC MAN!!!  Guess what his power is…

I created him on City of Heroes, freedom server.

Fun, fun, fun…

Old Friend Japs

I love meeting old friends like Japs.  I like the fact that he’s always so positive about things.  He’s cool-happy, not annoyingly happy. lol

When Jay-jay first introduced him to me, we were at the Makati Stocks Exchange Starbucks where he used to work as a barista.  Now he’s a budding restaurateur.

He’s a fitness enthusiast too.  So it must be the endorphines that keep him positive all the time.  Whatever, we rarely see each other but it’s always nice when we do.

To Run with It

Please indulge me by letting me say these thoughts out loud…

Maybe living as formidable, and as alone as before, would not work for me anymore.  But in my conversations (with people), a realization broke through.  A realization that maybe, indiscretion in making friendships, in exploring budding ones, and the failure of some, have unconsciously left me with a bad aftertaste.  Maybe that is the source of my wanting to be more alone.

(Our favorite Amazon, Diana… formidable but not at all alone…)

Maybe I should just take whoever friends I have and run with it.  I’m fortunate enough to know who my friends are, anyway.  I feel that I should not be as open in making new ones now, because a lot of them may fail… And I don’t like to be taken for granted just because it’s easy to be friends with me… And I don’t like to be taken for granted just because it’s not hard for me to forgive.

Sulit!!!

That’s the message that came with this pic this afternoon.

Vic and Jim checked out the Sakae Sushi buffet, which I recommended to them.

Prosthesis

Sometimes I become too comfortable with friends that it’s like they’re an extension of my arm.  Then something happens that rattles me back to the reality that it’s not the case.

In my wanting to quell this newly acquired dependence on them, the pockets of realism are but holes in a fogged up window that show me the truth. 

The truth is…  just like before, I am still alone.  I just know more people.

Togetherness and friendship, when it comes down to it, are illusions of the mind.  After the good times, the parties, we go home to our own houses, our nooks of solitude.  Friends may come and touch our lives.  Knowing them may change us for good.  They may stay or go.  But even if they stay, they cannot be with us all the time.  The Law of Impenetrability – Physics itself, dictates that we can never truly be together with another person.  Our skin itself separates us, after all.

Weatherproof

When it comes to cameras, my friends know that I’m really into Canon, but I saw this camera on TV.

 

I love that its compact and weatherproof.  So I’m thinking hmmm…

A backup digicam? hehe

Kung Hei Fat Chow!

Our supposed merienda this afternoon turned out to be such a feast.  Steph and I went to Sakae Sushi and ended up doing the eat-all-you-can Sushi Buffet.  Believe me, this was a 50/50 endeavor.

No offense Vic, but it certainly looked like this petite woman was you, consumption-wise.

Count that, 13 plates of sushi.  As we stepped out of the Japanese restaurant, I saw the chinese lanterns at the door and realized:  Wow, we really did celebrate Chinese New Year!

Kung Hei Fat Choi!

Oh, That’s Odd

Vic called my attention to this sign when we were at North Park in Glorietta.  This sign is inside the male washroom.

Sanitary Napkins?!  TOING!!!

IM Spy

Guys, when you try to use a measely stealth setting to hide from a person in IM, just make sure he’s not a Computer Science degree holder.

It takes me approximately two seconds to see if someone is hiding from me on Instant message…  When you’re THAT foolish, and when I know too much about you, do yourself a favor…  Be afraid…

Don’t worry everyone, it’s all hypothetical! (Maybe not he he he) :-D 

I’m just saying, you know, if and when it happens, you can’t hide from me lol. 

But it’s a fun tool to have.  You’ll get addicted.

Bonifacio High Sun

The heat is on, that’s all I can say.  The sun just melts everyone, especially at noon.

But that wouldn’t stop us from combing Market Market and Bonifacio High Street to shop.  That’s Rubi and Steph.  I’m totally convinced covering yourself does not work, like what Steph is doing.  The reflection on the pavement is almost as bad as the direct sunlight.

That’s the Kuan Kung (the Chinese God of War), the last item I need to protect my luck for the year of the Rat.  Today is the eve of the Chinese New Year, I supposedly need new sleepwear.  Not that I’m super into the Chinese new year thing, but it certainly will justify my need to shop for a new pair of jammies.

Staying Put

The Consulting Firm I work for just sent out a circular for their Overseas Assignment Guidelines this Monday morning.  Without giving any details (for confidentiality reasons), may I just say that:  it’s all crap. 

Coming from a management team that disallowed the bringing of Ipods for security reasons, I’m really not surprised. I know, that policy would only come from a security group that’s made up of sloths, to say the least.  Ever heard of disabling USB storage, huh?!  Rant, rant…  It just frustrates me to no end when the people with the responsibility and power don’t actually know how to do their jobs.

Going back to the guideline, I’m seriously considering backing out of my imminent deployment, if this foolishness goes on.

Officemates, say it with me… We hayrett!

Journey by Chance

After this badminton meet with friends

(Jimmy, picture spoiler by profession, i swear)

(Vic – CSR by day, Picture spoiler by night)

We found ourselves at Gloria Jean’s in Timog, QC

May I just mention that Carl finally arrived after a long absence.  I gave him what could just be called a MEGAHUG. :-)

Anyway, to make the night more interesting, some of us went to Antipolo.

Yes, including me, who was practically a zombie.  The last time I slept was Thursday night.

But, as I and my good friends always go, we’ve just outdone ourselves.  This is Sunday Morning, and we just drove right up to Subic.  (Thanks to edward)

(There just had to be another picture spoiler – Dave lol)

So, how did your weekend go?

(OK, I’m gonna faint now…)

Fez Shop

Rach asked to me to accompany her at the Face Shop during lunchtime.

Steph and Rubi Tagged along.

What’s a guy to do?

My best girlfriends.  I’m at their beck and call.

Silent Goodbyes…

 Such are the goodbyes for the mature.  Laiden with innuendos, signs and ultimate secrecy.

The walls may not have ears,
the windows may not have eyes

For friendships to become stale and bonds to be discreetly severed because of errors in judgement – is an act that is not of the foolish.

Secrets may be sealed
and lies may stay as lies

To fall from grace silently is much better than to go down in flames.

But in the hearts of the sinned,
that’s where truth ends and begins
In this place one can’t deny,
is where conscience drives its knife

- Silent Goodbyes by MidnightAnxiety

Realizations of the Forgettable

As strong as my personality may seem to be, I do feel that I am somewhat a forgettable character.  I am the bestfriend of the lead character in movies, so to speak.

I am fine with that idea.  Who wants to be put under a microscope, anyway.

—

More than ever now, I want to erase myself from the memories of some people.

Maybe it’s just my being technical by nature, but I do believe that there is a reboot button of everyone – for any part of their lives.  Like these past few months, if I had the will to do it, I could disappear from recent acquaintances forever… a flick of a switch, or a switch of a sim card…

When you think about it, disappearing from the face of the earth is ironically easy nowadays.  Our interconnectivity, like lattice, can be shattered with one severed link.  For most of my friends, for example, our only communication is through our mobile phones.  I don’t know where they live and vice-versa.  If they were to lose my number, I doubt if anyone would take the time to check on me.  I doubt if anyone would even notice. 

We may be interconnected but those chains are fragile and superficial.

—

It usually takes me a week of living distant from friends before I start to realize, or remember, that I am self-reliant enough to actually not need them.

—

There is a lot more opportunities for you to find your center when you are alone.  The realization that you are free from other people’s misinterpretations of you then follows.

You will realize that, in that moment of aloneness, you don’t have to pretend anymore, or raise any facade or walls for defense.  You are just you, without any effort to project your individuality to others.

—

When was that last time that you felt like you could just be effortlessly YOU?

Things and Memories

I was feeling so low yesterday, that I decided to wear things that would  help me through the day.  Especially for one of them, these things are not just perk me up things.  These are actually significant things for me.

My mantra ring, to help me be cautious with friends (that’s according to my chinese zodiac for the upcoming year of the Rat, and I totally agree)

A pi yao to protect my luck, and the 5 element tower to complete the aid for my “be careful with choosing friends” caveat for the year.

And of course, my dad’s ring on the other ring-finger… to remind me of my strength, and that my parents are still watching over me.

Anything I can do to lift my spirit, I will.

Solitude without Apologies

Is it really that much a crime to be strong-willed in this world nowadays, that people with such personalities be confined with their own walls of solitude?

I am such a soul,
a victim of my own fire
that burns brighter than most. 
But I embrace it
and curse all else
who do not see its beauty. – Forcera’s Flame by MidnightAnxiety

I know I have been pondering on this for a long time.  The turning on and on the Roundabout seems to be taking an eternity, the doubt brought about by my relentless, masochistic, forgiving heart.

But that’s about to change. 

I know I shine brightest
in solitude,
where not a soul 
makes my fire flicker
in doubt.

Updated 12AM Jan 28, 2008:

Will someone please splash cold water on me to get me back to earth.  I need to be reminded that I have friends who love me, and that it’s all that matters for now.  Someone other than me, because I can’t even convince myself right now.